If we are serious about ending bullying, we need to be doing more than wearing pink T-shirts.

If we don’t want our young people being bullied, adults need to role model a culture change. It astounds me to look at the profiles of parents who repeat lies and say the worst things about people they perceive of thinking the wrong things. People are quick to be seen to say the right thing about the target of the week, and the online disinhibition effect means they don’t consider the impact on the other human being they are attacking. If you care about stopping bullying and our terrible mental health statistics, maybe think about what you share, and who you follow, and what you subscribe to. If it’s all nasty shit and about tearing people down rather than building others up, perhaps reflect on what that is contributing to in our culture and if you want to be part of it. Unfollow people who are routinely nasty. Disincentivize being awful.

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Some Service You Can Find Support From

Yo, been a minute between blogs. Long-form writing is something I’m going to be trying to do more often, in order to step away from being on social media so much, but still with a desire to share experiences, ideas and knowledge, in the hope it’s of some good to the world. Maybe that’s grandiose, but hey, die trying right?

These days I do a lot of work around boys, men and masculinity. This has evolved out of sexual violence and family violence prevention work and advocacy I’ve been involved in for coming up a decade. The offline work I do increasingly means I talk about these issues on socials, and in turn, I get a lot of people getting in touch asking for where they can get help for men.

Whether that’s a partner who has a drug problem, a son who has a porn problem, a Dad with a mental health issue or a teammate who might be struggling in a relationship, help for boys and men can be hard to find. For men who might be using violence or being emotionally abusive too, it can be difficult to find a place to unlearn and relearn new ways of being. I’m just one dude, and while I know a couple of services, I have no idea where everything is.

So, I outsourced. I asked social media where the help was, and I’ve compiled it here as some sort of resource. I haven’t engaged with all these services, I can’t speak to know their work I’m just putting them all in one place so if you need help, maybe something here is useful. It ended up not being entirely for boys and men, but many of these services are.

0800HeyBro HEYBRO is here to listen and offer support for men who feel they are going to harm a loved one or whānau member.

Big Buddy “Big Buddy finds father figures for boys without Dads.”

Carinche (Melbourne) “Caraniche was formed in Melbourne in 1993 by a group of women committed to making high quality, independent psychological services accessible to disadvantaged and at-risk clients. We began by designing and delivering rehabilitation programs in the prison system. Soon after, we extended our services into the community with the aim of helping people get their lives back in control. Before long, our combination of evidence-based program design and skilled, authentic clinicians was in demand across the community, government and corporate sectors.

Doves Hawkes Bay “DOVE Hawkes Bay celebrates more than 25 years of working to stop, heal and prevent family violence. Working with individuals (men, women and youth) and families; victims and perpetrators; they provide programmes, support and social work to assist people heal from the impact of family violence and develop strategies to have safer, nourishing and enjoyable relationships.”


Family Action (Henderson, Auckland) ​”Family Action Family Violence Outreach Service and Refuge supports all people in crisis who are experiencing family violence. Family Action provides a caring and confidential place where you can talk about issues in your relationship and the violence or abuse that you are experience or have experienced. No appointment needed.”

Father’s For Families. (Wiri, Auckland) “A ground-breaking fathers course, peer-support group & fitness programme, for fathers who want to be the best dads they can be.”

Find A Helpline connects you to a range of suicide prevention helplines around the world, depending on where you are.

Great Fathers “​If a child has a good enough dad, the child will reach more of their social, emotional, and intellectual potential. If the father is absent, neglectful, or abusive (and no one else fills that gap) – the child is more likely to go off the rails later in life.”

He Waka Tapu (Christchurch) He Waka Tapu has a wide range of programmes and services to help both individuals and hapori. There is a referral process that must be completed before accessing any services.

Let’s Talk Therapy; Micah Visser. “I am a counsellor in Glen Innes, Auckland I work with anyone but have a big focus on men and teenagers over 13. For anyone under the age of 25 I am registered with Gumboot Friday so can offer some free sessions and I always try to accommodate everyone. I do both in person and online sessions. You are welcome to contact me if you want any more information about me and what I do.”

Lighthouse (Southland) “No one feels good about being violent or abusive, about being withdrawn or angry.

No one feels good watching their partner or children living in fear, or acting out the violence they have experienced. But the cycle and the addictions that go with it can be overwhelming. Break the cycles of violence and abuse for you, your family and friends. There is no shame and no excuses. It is about rebuilding relationships. It is about restoring trust and respect.Lighthouse Southland works with men, women and young people by providing education, counselling and support. Contact Lighthouse Southland now to join a programme or service that best suit your needs.”

Mac Strong Mentors “At MacStrong Mentors, we are strong believers in the ability of our tamariki to succeed. Our programs and activities are designed to help our tamariki reach their goals and fulfill their highest potential. We aim to produce positive outcomes for the children involved, their whanau and the communities they live in. We are proud of all our tamariki, and love watching them grow into bright-minded and confident individuals.”

Mana Tāne (Nelson) “We support whānau who have been effected by trauma. We have a program for Wāhine and a mentoring program for Tāne.”

Maka Leadership Programme "To empower young people to become positive members of their community through the use of Muay Thai and Education.”
Man Alive “Our goal is to actively promote positive manhood and strong relationships through a range of integrated services. Man Alive runs life-changing Te Ara Taumata Ora courses that will help you understand why you get angry and how to deal with your feelings before they explode into anger. That way, you’ll feel in control and you wont harm others. You’ll feel good about yourself.”

Man Kind Project “The Mankind Project New Zealand works with men and families to build and support the emotionally mature, accountable, and compassionate male role models that our communities so desperately need.”

Men Being Real. “Men Being Real is for any man who knows he could get more out of life. Whether your life is working well or you have some things to sort out, you will find this weekend workshop a powerful journey of personal discovery. It provides help and growth for men of all ages – for younger men making their way in the world, midlife men in transition, and older men moving to the next stage of their life.”


Mirror Services (Otago) “Mirror Services is an Otago based organisation that delivers counselling and treatment programmes for children, young people and their whānau in the Otago/Southland region.

Oasis NZ. “Oasis is a youth organization based in Auckland, NZ. Our mission is to provide a safe, fun, loving, nurturing environment for young people.. To empower rangatahi whilst also learning new and exciting life skills and attributes to lead a positive healthy life. We hold youth development camps every school holidays so keep an eye out - spots are limited. If you wish to support in any way shape or form please don't hesitate to get in touch with us.”

Rites of Passage Foundation. “The Rites of Passage Foundation run rites of passage for girls called Tides and for boys called Tracks, three times a year during the school holidays. Twice a year, we run weekend residentials for women (Tides Training) and men (Good Men Make Tracks) with an interest in rites of passage, transition & life's stages.”

Self Seen (Port Macquarie) “Founded in 2020, with the ambition of creating hope in our community.
We want to change the very present mental health stigma and the way community, friends and family support each other. Self Seen is a support network for our men and women within the community. We help men & women through their personal battles with mental health by creating connection and encouraging vulnerability in safe spaces. Helping individuals understand the reasons behind behaviours and addictions, releasing stories and trauma they have been carrying in their lives, helping them step back into healthy self-regulation and empowerment.”

Tauawhi Men’s Centre “Our key services are Counselling and Social Work, and we run several non violence, parenting and youth programmes, but we also provide information and advice where required.”

Te- Paepae Arahi (Lower Hutt) “Te Paepae Arahi is Te Awakairangi/Hutt Valley's community support Service specialising in supporting whānau and individual needs through building positive connections, including specialist AOD support, kaupapa Māori mental health and addiction, primary mental health support and emergency housing.”

Tupu Services. Tupu is a team of Pacific Island practitioners who support Pacific people and their aiga/fanau/magafaoa who have alcohol and/or other drugs and/or gambling issues, problems or questions. We offer a range of free support services delivered in a culturally relevant way.


This is far from an exhaustive list, but I hope it helps someone out there.



Andrew Tate shows us young men are desperate for role models. We need to show them better ones.

Andrew Tate has been trending on Twitter on and off for a while, but it has come to a head with his recent detention in Romania for alleged rape and human trafficking. I’ve been following it closely, as in the past few months I’ve been asked to speak at a number of different schools to address Tate’s influence.

 Who is Andrew Tate? Before making a fortune as a pimp and pornographer, 36-year-old, American-born, UK-raised Tate was a World Kickboxing Champion and reality TV star. In 2021 he created ‘The Hustler’s University 2.0’ where his target demo of young men aged 13-25 signed up for business and life advice on how to be a real man for $49/month. Perhaps his most impressive talent, however,  is his viral marketing prowess. According to an article in The Economist in December 2022, he’s been the most popular influencer among American Gen-Z’ers on Tik-Tok even though he’s been de-platformed from all major social media networks.

 Online, Tate is a stereotypical tough guy. He posts videos of fast cars, guns, and he’s also back in the dark ages when it comes to his beliefs about women. There are recordings circulating on YouTube where he talks about slapping and choking women, forced sex, and general commentary that draws from a misconstrued mix of Islam and Old Testament Christianity. He’s openly homophobic, says women shouldn’t drive and that sexually provocative or confident women are haram, an Arabic word meaning forbidden or ungodly.  He promotes an outdated idea of manhood, deriding stepfathers for raising other men’s children, and claiming that “depression isn’t real.” In an online world where to cancel culture has the ability to ruin people’s lives for far, far lesser evils, his rise to fame seems to have only been amplified since his ‘cancellation.' I think this highlights that cancel culture doesn’t impact people who don’t care about it’s consequences. Tate’s audiences like him because he’s anti-woke, not in spite of it.

 Over the past year, all major social media platforms kicked him off their accounts. Twitter, where he has 4.1 million followers, has since reinstated him with its new amnesty on previously banned accounts. Here he shares his “41 Tennents”, talks about “leaving the Matrix” and preaches that most people are sheep, asleep, who need to take the red pill - a subscription to his program.  Tate claims that there are 168,000 enrolled students. Assuming they are paying $49 each, that’s over $8 million a month.  Mix in some anti-vax messaging,(“pure bloods only” he says) and he’s become a hero in the culture war for many right-wing and conservative culture warriors. His arrest triggered a deluge of support and claims of a smear campaign from his league of fans.

 I’ve been speaking about masculinities, preventing family violence and promoting healthy relationships in schools for years now, and last year I started getting asked to include a segment on Tate specifically. School faculties and parents were seeing the influence Tate was having and they wanted to help students develop more critical filters. It was also an opportunity for me to get curious with the boys and try and understand why he’s so popular and try and understand what makes this man so appealing to these young men. Whilst there is a bountiful stream of critique,  he’s hit a nerve at this moment in time where there seems to be a void of confusion for our young men, and I haven’t seen many ask why that is.

 I asked Instagram about why people liked him gave me some further some insight.Typical of the replies: “He helps me not care what other people think about me”;“He’s motivated me to go [to the] gym almost every day.”  Another teenager said, “I like his views on working hard, being successful, and being a strong, powerful man. He’s also very inspiring and motivational”.Across the responses, there was a general sense that his self-confidence, discipline, focus on hard work, material success and straight talking were the most appealing parts. 

 Reading what his fans say online, it’s clear to me that boys and men are looking for life advice and guidance. They’re looking for role models. Our ideas around masculinity, the social and traditional expectations on men,  are changing, some might say softening and that is a good thing.

However, many of those having conversations about masculinity are entirely unrelatable to young men, and often antagonistic toward them. In a cultural moment where discussions on masculinity are rife, in the culture wars, hashtags like #menaretrash and haughty discussions by activists on male privilege aren’t helping anyone.

 Teenage boys aren’t idiots. They spend huge amounts of time online, and they know that young men are dying by suicide, failing in schools and education, and succumbing to diseases of despair and alienation at much higher rates than women. You can call it male fragility or tone policing, but if we want to really bring boys and men into conversations about ending sexism, and creating a healthier, more expansive idea about masculinity (and I really do), we need to talk with them, not at them. Shame is an entirely ineffective vehicle of change for us humans.

 Tate’s messaging isn’t just being an ultra-rich, work hard, have no feelings tough guy but also weaves misogyny and homophobia into these themes. Boys and men seem to be willing to either turn a blind eye to this or explain it away, in favor of focusing only on what they think are the beneficial aspects of his messages.

If we want to make positive changes when it comes to masculinity, we can start by role-modeling healthy beliefs and behaviors in our own lives, whether that is as parents, coaches, employers or in other roles. The New Zealand Relationship and Sexuality Education guidelines provide support for schools to have these discussions in their classrooms.

People who want to make positive changes when it comes to masculinity could also highlight the myriad of powerful yet relatable male role models out there, who aren’t blatantly disrespecting women. Point your sons, your friends, or your students toward men who are confident, successful, kind, AND have healthy things to say about relationships. There are loads of great athletes preaching about the need to work hard and overcome adversity, who are active fathers and loving partners. Social media has plenty of men who’ve overcome tough starts in life to be successful and who have great stories to tell that are inspirational.  Men like Aotearoa New Zealand’s Junior Fa, Kai Kara France, or America’s Mr. Jason Wilson role model positive ways of showing up in the world as men. Podcasts like “Bro Chats” or Instagram accounts like @forallthebrothers also do a great job showing a broader, healthier idea of masculinity. There are loads of other great voices and role models, the work lies in sharing them.

We have real issues that fall out of a stereotypical, old-fashioned idea of manhood, from suicide to gendered violence and sexual harassment. All these needs addressing, but it’s how we do it that has to change, lest this counter-swing Tate is leading undoes all the hard work of the last few decades.

 We must be mindful to call young, impressionable men into the conversation when we do this, not just point out what is wrong. If we truly want change, we need to adjust our approaches accordingly and showcase the strengths and benefits of stepping outside of the Tate Universe, and into a broader, healthier, and happier idea of manhood.

 

Parents Need To Think About Sex Education too.

In 2020, it’s safe to say the hyper-sexualized media environment we’ve created isn’t going away, at least anytime soon. In the time of Tinder, free hardcore porn anywhere at any time, super sexy selfies, music videos and memes, children and young people are bombarded with messages on sex and sexuality.  Through them, they are learning about sex and having their values and behaviours shaped in ways that aren’t always healthy. 

Of course, these things influence our adult tastes and ideas too, but it’s the youth who are especially susceptible to these powerful messages. Their young brains are very literally having their sexual identities and taste developed, often without any critical filters or counter-narratives. 

Despite this plethora of sources that are swiftly shaping sexual identities (not to be confused with sexual orientation), there is still a big gap in giving kids and teenagers the information they need to healthily navigate the landscape society has created for them. 

“There’s definitely no conversations going on about how to have good sexual experiences.
-Angela Rennie”

In both 2007 and 2017, the Educational Review Office (ERO) conducted studies of sexuality education in New Zealand schools. Despite the ten years between them, both studies showed that overall, curriculum coverage remains a mixed bag and what is taught differs dramatically between schools around the country.  

For most schools,   “...biological aspects of sexuality and puberty are well covered, [though]  more in-depth coverage is needed for aspects like consent, digital technologies and relationships. Sexual violence and pornography were covered in fewer than half of the secondary schools ERO visited”. The topic of how to teach having pleasurable sexual experiences too continues to leave much to be desired. 

As someone who regularly speaks in highschools about these issues, when I ask teenage students how they have learnt about sex it’s little surprise the answer is always either porn or “my mates”. Neither of which are particularly reliable founts of information on how to have physically and emotionally safe, informed and pleasurable sex. 

Angela Rennie, a therapist at Intimacy Counselling (with not one but four degrees in psychology), who has spent time as an educator in schools about healthy relationships, observes that what’s delivered in most schools at present, isn’t adequate it all, commenting “There’s definitely no conversations going on about how to have good sexual experiences. It’s all about what not to do. Which are important...but it’s just as important to have positive sexuality messages.”   

 While some schools are doing a good job bringing in external providers to cover the gaps or respond to issues as they emerge, when schools aren’t teaching kids what they need to know, Angela agrees that it’s the internet, and specifically porn, that fills the gap. She notes,“The majority of porn is derogatory and violent towards women”. She continues, “I hear all the time of instances in schools where that’s actually spilling over into [boys’] behaviours towards women, sending dick pics.  Boys are sending unsolicited videos of themselves masturbating.” If porn is problematic, what’s a counterpoint? Where do kids learn about sex if their school doesn’t cover things they want to know and the internet teaches things that can be a problem? 

Lief Pearson is a former sexual health nurse and now the resource and liaison lead at The Light Project. She acknowledges there continues to be a big deficit when it comes to sex education and teaching young people about pleasure. Within that, there’s a lack of an easily accessible alternative to the narratives taught by porn. 

Lief says parents have a huge responsibility here in helping their kids learn about sex healthily. “If parents were equipped to be able to have these conversations from an early age it would help children have a healthy understanding of sex. But they need to be equipped and sometimes they actually need to work through their own issues first.  

“Parents need to work on their own values around sex...what we keep quiet about is what we make taboo and what we make shameful. So if we as parents are not talking to our kids, in our silence we are telling them what they should be ashamed of.” 

To put it simply, parents can help their children develop healthy ideas about sex by using positive language around the topic and talking about it openly. At present, there is a massive disconnect in that kids are growing up in an environment flooded with sex and sexual themes but there’s often not any meaningful conversations around these issues at home. 

Parents can change this by finding teachable moments when kids are consuming media that have romantic or sexual content.  Working on non-judgementally asking questions of our children to gauge their understanding when a song about sex comes on the stereo or there’s a sex scene in a movie everyone might be watching is an easy way to start having these conversations. It’s much better than ignoring things or sweeping them under the rug, which can lead to youth internalizing a sense of embarrassment and shame about sex and romance which should be a natural and normal part of the human experience. 

Some parents might be cringing at the thought of talking with their kids about anything to do with sex, but Dr Natalie Hendry, a Lecturer in Education at Deakin University in Melbourne, says exploring these topics is something that can be done more easily if treated as something that is humorous and funny. It doesn’t have to be sitting down and having a heavy talk, and it means being open to conversations when they arise. 

“It requires you as a teacher or educator to shift from being the expert into being a say, facilitator, and actually asking them really good questions and listening.” Rather than talking at young people, parents and teachers alike need to listen to them. Dr Hendry says that talking through a topic helps a young person to clarify their values for themselves, the values in their friendship groups, and the different norms that have been established. 

That can start with a question as simple as “well why do you think that?” when a child makes a statement to do with something around sex or sexuality. 

It might seem daunting, but normalizing these conversations around sex can start at a young age. Helping your children use the anatomically correct language from infancy is a simple start. Teaching them not to be embarrassed of their bodies, and being open to exploring and learning together builds the foundation for pathways to important conversations as children move into adolescence and becoming sexually active. 

Research shows that one in four New Zealand children see porn at the age of 12 or younger and while schools continue to develop a more comprehensive and uniform approach to sexuality education in the modern age unless parents and caregivers want the internet and pop culture to be their kids first source of information, they need to be open to learning themselves and talking with their kids about sex to help them develop healthy ideas and behaviours. 

"School Bullshit. " We Need To Do Better Teaching Our Kids About Porn, Consent and Sex.

Here’s your latest heavy fact for the day, teenagers are sexually assaulting each other. In schools. I know, it came as a shock to me too.

 I speak regularly about family and sexual violence prevention, so while this is something that I was already vaguely aware of from the literature, it came home to me when speaking at a highschool recently. The teacher quietly told me that he’d had to deal with the police twice in that month over two different sexual assaults on school grounds. Before writing this, I touched based with Executive Director of Auckland’s Rape Prevention Education (RPE) Debbi Tohill to see if this was out of the ordinary. Sadly, she reported that sexual assault on school grounds was an issue that the educators at RPE encounter too.

 As a society, we are responsible for this. We’ve created a hyper-sexualized world; one where children are flooded with powerful messages and media about sex and sexuality well before they’ve ever had anyone talk to them about what’s healthy and what isn’t. Conversations about consent, what it is and how to establish it are still too few and far between. The emotional component of sex and relationships often seems to be completely removed from the conversation in the time of hook up apps and high-speed porn.  

 The NZ Curriculum states that it is compulsory for schools to deliver relationship and sexuality education from Years 1-10. While the current curriculum actually offers a lot of scope for schools to develop awesome relationship and sexuality education programmes that meet the needs and interests of their students, often they do not understand the complexities of this learning area or perhaps don’t value it as much as other parts of the curriculum. This means that some schools invite external service providers to deliver a series of lessons or speakers to talk on a specific topic, while other schools just cover safer sex part of relationships. Schools’ lack of awareness or responsibility for delivering this part of the curriculum comprehensively means that young people aren’t able to have ongoing and meaningful discussions about all of the nuances of sex, sexuality and relationships in the modern world. Reading the Sexuality Education Guidelines is a great way to help people understand the importance of relationship and sexuality education, as well as getting a handle on what content is age and stage appropriate for students.

The kids know what they need to know.

The kids know what they need to know.

 On top of this, there’s not a lot that’s easily accessible that kids can look up that offers good advice on what good healthy sex actually is and in the absence of any uniform, age appropriate, straightforward education about sex and how to have it happily and healthily, it’s the internet that fills the gap.  While there’s some good stuff on platforms such as Youtube, there’s a lot more that is troubling, especially when it’s high speed porn that often is kids first port of call, given it’s ubiquity. There’s an estimated 500 000 porn sites on the internet at present, not to mention all the porn on social media sites like Twitter, or circulating in group chats.

 So whether they are looking for it or not, kids are going to be exposed to porn. Before they’ve even held hands with someone they’re attracted to, or had their first kiss, young people are often being exposed to adult material.  And what makes up the bulk of mainstream, hetrosexual pornography often role models unhealthy behaviors.

IMG_2933.jpg

 Research conducted last year by The Office for the Classification of Film and Literature informs us that 1 in 4 New Zealand youth that were surveyed say they had first saw porn before they were 12.  The same body of research told us that 69% of the teens surveyed had seen violence or aggression in pornography, and 72% had seen non-consensual activity.

 Is it any wonder then when a school guidance counsellor informed me they had worked with teenage girls, 14 year olds, who were  “ripped in half” attempting to have anal sex? Without clear education that porn performers are often actors, kids are recreating the media they’ve taken their education from. There’s rarely simple how to’s demonstrated in porn. There’s no lube, there’s no conversation about consent, or mutual pleasure.

 The vast majority of sex in porn focuses exclusively on female performers doing what they are told to pleasure male actors.  “Tell me to stop if it hurts or you don’t like this” is something you never hear on PornHub videos.  And at the same time, porn routinely shows women like being hurt, as female performers respond either positively to the verbal and physical aggression they are subject to, or are indifferent.

 While it’s impossible to identify a single cause for why people do the the things to do, it’s not overly complicated to understand that a lack of education coupled with a steady diet of misogynistic messaging and a glorification of sexual aggression  has seen teen sexual offending on the rise not just here in New Zealand but across the ditch. Indeed in many countries with similar cultures such as the United States and Canada,

 Kids naturally want to learn about sex and they have brilliant ideas around what they need to know as they grow into adulthood. Speaking at a school recently, after sharing their experiences in some workshops, I asked them for their solutions to the problems they had identified.  What they came up with was really brilliant. They wanted explicit education about pornography. They wanted male role models showcasing healthy behavior.  They wanted to end the ‘rugby group chat’ and peer pressure that had intimate images being shared non-consensually. 

Some of the problems teenagers say they are facing and some of their own solutions.

Some of the problems teenagers say they are facing and some of their own solutions.

 It’s on us as educators, advocates, parents and politicians to help make these things a uniform feature of all kids’ educations.

So, while society is creating these problems, the hope lies in the fact that society can solve the issues too. If we enact uniform education about sex and sexuality it’s going to have such positive impacts; It’s going to reduce sexual offending.

If we can develop cross party support for policy initiatives that require mandatory age verification for pornpographic websites, that’s going to help limit early access to it. This was put in the too hard basket by the United Kingdom but is being being looked at in Victoria, Australia. Minister for Children Tracey Martin is proposing it here, and while it’s not a silver bullet, it’s a good starting point for protecting young and developing brains from harmful content. The censors office agrees, with Chief Censor David Shanks echoing the need for digital restrictions to be put in place to protect kids.

Let’s educate kids in an age appropriate way about porn. Not just a one-off talk, but with an ongoing conversation. Let’s teach our youth about sex, and pleasure. How to have good sex is just as important a conversation as how not not to get an STI or get pregnant. Let’s be brave and talk about intimacy, and love and relationships too. Whether it’s a casual relationship or a long term one, we can’t divorce the emotional aspect that comes with sex either.  Let’s teach our youth that mutual respect and kindness needs to be part and parcel of any and every sexual experience.

In their own words kids want better sex education. They are tired of being talked to like they are 3 years old about it or not at all. Curiosity about sex is an important part of normal and natural part of human development, kids want to know about it, but we aren’t teaching them what they want and need to know. In the space that’s left, porn fills the gap, and people are being hurt as a result. Let’s fix that.

Special thanks to Dr Samantha Keene, Scott Waring Flood and Zaffa Christian at the MSD, Debbi Tohill at Rape Prevention Education and Jo Robertson at The Light Project for your input into this piece.

Where to go for more information:

https://thelightproject.co.nz/

https://www.familyplanning.org.nz/

https://whiteribbon.org.nz/

https://www.matesanddates.co.nz/









Booze, Pills, Porn and Places You Can Get Help If You Have A Problem With Them.


TLDR; Here are some places you can get help for addiction or substance use issues and some background on why I happen to know about them.

So I found myself on New Years Eve pulled aside at a party, talking to a guy I'd never met before about his self described porn addiction and his weekend alcohol and drug binges. He was  a nice young cat, just looking for some help. This morning I jumped online, and ended up chatting to someone about their parent's alcoholism and subsequently emailing them a bunch of ideas and a list of service providers where they might be able to get some help. Yesterday I was listening to an old pal about their partners substance issues and how they were coping with them.   Like a lot of my friends who are involved in the health sector or advocacy, this is a pretty common string of events and it's really made it clear to me that lots of people don't know where to get help and support for themselves or others when it comes to  addiction.

It's reasonably well documented I grew up with an alcoholic parent, which in part led me to jumping head first  into the Hardcore and straightedge scene when I was introduced to it at 17. While I wouldn't claim 'edge  till 10 years later in 2007,  sobriety intuitively seemed cool to me when my home life was at times violent and chaotic and West Auckland weekend parties with my teenage friends regularly ended with alcohol fuelled fist fights and the riot police turning up.  

While I initially dabbled with alcohol and drugs,  the straightedge scene, and martial arts, Muay Thai training and competitive fighting  became protective factors that steered me away from trouble and ultimately towards long term sobriety and a life focused on maintaining and promoting good physical, mental and emotional health. Emerging from finishing a university degree I found myself offered a position working for a Ministry of Health project called CAYAD creating preventative projects to reduce alcohol and drug harm in at risk youth populations. I'd stay there for six years, and learned a great deal about the field of addictions and what works and what doesn't when dealing with them.  At the same time I worked in radio, and continue to have occasional main stream media slots where I often talk about the shit I have been doing for work, studies I've been privy to, workshops on addiction, or my emerging understanding and experience of mental health issues and the comorbidity between them and substance use.

While all this was happening,  I was busy exploring feminist literature,  as I began rejecting the pornography I'd grown up consuming after the Hardcore and punk scene started me thinking about  sexism, the personal being political and the power of personal boycotts.  My mid 20s and early 30s were a busy time I guess. Porn has become an issue I talk about when it comes to addressing rape culture and sexism in our society, and it's become apparent a lot of people struggle with addiction to it too.  

So, as someone who lives in a small country and has talked openly publicly for a while about the issues of alcohol, addiction,  mental health, and porn, I've found lots of people simply don't know where to get information or help when they are looking for it.  Sharing articles and ideas about social issues on social media means what you put out, you invariably get back, and so I'm regularly fielding messages from people desperately looking for advice and help.

Despite our services being under resourced and under funded here in New Zealand, there are never the less lots of great people and organisations out there to assist you, so I've complied a few of them here. It's not an exhaustive list, but these are places I know of, and know to be good.  Feel free to share these around with anyone you think might be looking for some support to make changes. The more people that are aware of where to get help, the easier it'll be for people to get it. 

My go to for overall current information on drugs, alcohol and the associated issues is the New Zealand Drug Foundation (NZDF) site, over here. The NZDF do amazing work, with a strong harm reduction focus.  They also provide the Alcohol Drug Helpline which is 0800 787 797 or you can text on 8681. It's 24/7, 365, and you can speak to a trained counsellor. Their website has comprehensive national directory of services where you can find help in your city or region.  

While the Alcohol Drug Helpline have the service directory  for finding treatment in your area, I'm gonna give a brief overview of a few of these here,  and also include options that aren't listed there, starting mainly with places in Auckland. I'll update this over the coming weeks to include other treatment options around Aotearoa New Zealand. I've hyperlinked all the websites so just click on the name of an organisation, and it should take you there. 

gabore mate.jpg

 

Sometimes people just need some Respite care, which is a short stay, a break from your everyday life when it seems unmanageable or overwhelming. Puna Whakataa offer a 14 day respite service for people with mental health, and or, addiction issues. 

Medical Detox in Auckland. 
Depending on what you're using, with sever substance addictions people need help withdrawing medically, especially with alcohol, benzodiazepines (Valium, Xanax,  that short of thing) and synthetics. Going cold turkey can be really dangerous for a users health, so it's important to seek medical advice.  Community Alcohol and Drug Services (CADS) have a Monday to Friday drop in service and their detox  unit is located at  Pittman House in Point Chev.  There's also a social detox run by the Auckland City Mission, based in Federal Street.   

Private treatment options are available for detox too, if you can afford them,  such as Zen, and Turning Point. 

Residential Abstinence Based Programmes

From detox it'd be recommended to go directly to residential treatment. There's the Bridge Programme which is an 8 week residential treatment, run by the Salvation Army. There is also Higher Ground, which is four and a half months, and is an intensive treatment programme. You could also look at Odyessy House which is open ended time wise, so it's based on progress, without a designated time period and end date. These are all Government funded, which means there will be a waiting list, but won't cost your family or yourself anything. 

Community Based Outpatient Programmes

In Auckland, there is Community Alcohol and Drug Services (CADS). They have walk in clinics on the North Shore, Point Chevalier, Kingsland, the North Shore, West Auckland and South Auckland. For the most part they focus on  community based harm reduction. That means you can go about your day to day life, but are able to attend an out patient  program a few nights a week.  

There is also Narcotics Anonymous  and Alcoholics Anonymous who run meetings around the country that anyone can drop to and explore the well established 12 step program. 

Pre and Post Treatment

Wings Trust are provide residential pre and post treatment to help people seeking total abstinence transition into treatment and from treatment back out into the community. You can be referred there by other services, such as Higher Ground and The Bridge, or self-referral is also an option, which is suggested. Pre-Treatment is  8 weeks long and post treatment is four months. It's a 12 step based programme with no religious affiliation. 

Porn Addiction. 

After an interview I did that went viral people from as far away as Kuwait and Bangladesh were emailing me looking for places to get help for their porn addiction. Online there is NoFap which helps people recover from their own addiction as well as providing information for partners and parents. There is also Fight The New Drug, which do a lot of activism in the anti-porn space and provide some guidance and a supportive online community when it comes to quitting. Wellington has Sex Love Addicts Anonymous, (SLAA)who offer 12 step meetings for people who have compulsive needs around sex and relationships, which I think is useful to include here.  SLAA  also have a list of meeting on their site for their meetings in Auckland.  There's also a lot of psychotherapists and councillors in private practice who deal with porn addiction, so you can always explore that route. The Roberts Street Clinic, Auckland City Therapy, and Psych'd Ltd all have practitioners who you might like to engage with.   

Family Support

Addiction or substance abuse can have lasting impacts on the people around a user, but there are places you can get help to make sense of what has been happening in your life. Being around addiction can make things chaotic and confusing, but don't lose hope, things can and do change. 

Nationally, Al-Anon use the 12 step approach to help give understanding and hope to friends and families of alcoholics. Check their site for lists of meetings.  The Kina Trust  help people affected by others addictions, and their website is really helpful. Lastly, and again Auckland based only, there are CADS friends and family support options.   You can call them on 09 845-1818 or drop into any of their units between 10am and 1pm Monday to Friday. 

Substance use, abuse and addiction is a tricky problem to deal with and there is no one size fits all solution, but I hope this short list is helpful. As I said, I'll expand on this article with further options around the country in the future. 

 

 

"There's something very special about being yourself " - A chat with Northlane.

in ,
Northlane

Touring on the back of their fourth studio album Mesmer, Sydney based metal core outfit Northlane are set to play New Zealand this weekend, the 25th in Wellington, the 26th in Auckland. Released back in March of 2017, Mesmer received critical acclaim,  being the third Northlane album in a row to debut in the top 5 in the ARIA Charts. 


Ahead of their tour, I had a fun chat their vocalist, a really open Marcus Bridge. We had talked about the band recording with a psychologist, challenging stereotypes and being authentic, it was a nice time, have a listen!

I caught Northlane at New Years at Perth's RedFest last year, it was a dope show and know they will be bringing a sick live performance to our shores, so may I encourage you to cop your tickets here! 

Cleansing for Curiosity

in ,

So detox diets and juice cleansing are on trend right now but people have really mixed opinions on them, so I've been meaning to try it for myself  for a while. I wanted to see if they had noticeable benefits and explore how I felt doing one and whether I'd recommend one. 

Acorn blends are actually delicious, who'd have thought.

Acorn blends are actually delicious, who'd have thought.

To indulge my curiosity I rang the really nice people at GreenLeafOrganics  and enquired about the range of cleanses they have. I told them maintaining my energy is important to me, because amongst other things, I work as personal trainer and coach competitive Muay Thai fighters and boxers  so I have a really physical job, as well my own work out regimen I hate to deviate too far from.  They recommended the single day Fit Cleanse for me to start with and try a two day juice cleanse in a fortnight. The Fit Cleanses is plant based and suitable for vegans, using either grown chemical free or organic ingredients.  Most ingredients were certified as raw (as in, not heated to damage nutrients) and refined sugar free too. The smoothie blends are a combination of nut milks,  vegetables and fruits, with added plant protein powder. It sounded like a good option to maintain my routine, so I swung by their store to collect it. 

I  kicked the day off at 7am with the appropriately named Sunrise, and proceeded to sip the full range throughout the day. I got to consume a smoothie every couple of hours and while obviously not a filling meal, the bircher was a nice addition,  as fasting from solid food when you're not used to it can be a little emotionally taxing and sometimes just chewing something not only staves off hunger pangs, it deals with the craving to eat, so I snacked on it a little over the day. Everything actually tasted good too, which was a bonus. 

While  I consumed a lot less calories throughout the day than I usually would, I actually didn't feel excessively hungry. By the afternoon I haddeveloped a bit of a headache because I normally drink about three coffees a day, so I snuck in half a cold brew to stave that off, but other than that I stuck to the plan. As the day went on I actually felt a little more clear headed than usual, but perhaps a little tired, which was interesting to observe, though I had shitty sleep the night before so that could have played a part.   At 5:30pm I taught boxing and did an hours sparring, which anyone who has given it a go will tell you is some pretty hard shit to to do. Sparring I felt a little sluggish, it I didn't get punched in the head any more than usual, and I didn't at all feel lacking in energy to get through it.  I had my final smoothie blend after the session to get some protein in and replenish the glycogen (that's the stored glucose in your body)  back into the system, and finished off the last of the coconut water that was part of the package to help rehydrate.  I  went to bed and had a dope  sleep (the reduction in caffeine surely helped!), and actually woke up feeling noticeably more energetic, a feeling that's lasted the last  the next couple of days.  

 

Bircher to snack on.

Bircher to snack on.

I think a big thing about a juice cleanse or partial fast is that it makes you really mindful of food and what you're ingesting. I generally pretty well, but sometimes can slip into bad habits ( excessive caffeine intake for example!), so it was a good opportunity to be really considered about things.  If on the other hand you eat a generally shitty diet, a cleanse could be a good opportunity to take break your habits. 

Now I'm not a dietician or nutritionist  just a dude who trains a lot and cares about what he eats, and I wanted to understand a bit of the science behind cleansing, so I rang my bro Cliff Harvey, a lecturer and researcher about nutrition.  I told him what I'd done for the day, and he explained that "going on a periodic fast" is a great way to help reset your metabolism (the process and rate your body turns food into energy) and even potentially help your immune system.  He described juice cleanses as a modified fast, and for the duration of the cleanse I'd effectively been on a lower calorie, high nutrient, maybe lower carb type diet.  Doing that, I could have been resetting my body and  "helping it to burn fat more effectively" by getting it  tap into it's own fat stores more effectively for energy rather than relying on sugar. The better we can be at using our fat stores he explained, the less reliant we are at having to get more sugar in and thus reducing sugary cravings.  He said it was important to note that when choosing a cleanse , that your not just swapping one shitty diet for another shitty diet as some juice cleanses are really high in fructose being all based around fruits so it's important to find one that's more blended. That said, any sort of day when you're reducing processed and refined foods and swapping them for something more nutrient rich is a good thing.

Overall, I had a really positive experience with my cleanse.   I think if you're looking to reset your diet or start a new routine it's a good way to go. It's not a miracle cure to any ailments you may have but it's a good way to reflect and be more intentional about what you're consuming, as well as spending a day ingesting a lot of really good nutrients and excluding shit that's bad for you. The trick would be then not to go back to what you know and maintaining a balanced diet of whole foods that continues to be more natural and more unprocessed than packaged. If you try one out, let me know how it goes! 

Watch Out! It's AlexisOnFire...

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Richie

Alexisonfire.jpg

It's an exciting time for punk and hardcore kids young and old (read, me) lately in Auckland as the bands we grew up singing along to regroup, reform and re-visit our stages.  The Bleeders before Christmas and LA's post hardcore outfit LetLive tonight are being followed up by AlexisOnFire, all the way from Canada next Monday the 23rd of January. The much loved group are playing their first show in New Zealand in ten years, at the iconic Power-Station, and tickets are still available online. It's hard not to sound over-hyped and use all the tired old adjectives when describing a show, but having seen them play a couple of times, I promise it'll be a high-energy emotionally charged performance.  

The band first formed in 2001, and released four full length albums (Alexisonfire, WatchOut!, Crisis and Old Crows/Young Cardinals) ,  before breaking up in 2012, only to reform in 2015.  Some readers will know the beautiful voice of vocalist Dallas Green from his solo work as City and Colour, or guitarist and backing vocalist Wade McNeil as the singer of Gallows. Throughout their work, the band delves into  both the personal and political, with songs such as Sons Of Privilege   critiquing American policy and well, privilege,  while Rough Hands is one of the most heart rending break up dirges you'll ever hear.  
 

I've a couple of tickets to give away, check out my instagram, for how to win 'em!

 

Speed dating with letlive!

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RICHIE

So I had dope time chatting this morning with Jason Aalon , founding member and vocalist of LA based post-hardcore band letlive.  Today's interview quickly got interesting, as Jason talked about society, and  growing up mixed race in America and indeed what that experience was like in the hardcore scene, which, for all it's often progressive politics is very white and male dominated.  

“I want to create confronting art that challenges people in various ways, obviously sonically, but also ideologically, intellectually..”


It was refreshing to have a conversation of depth after a few minutes, and having been involved in the hardcore scene and punk scene for over nearly 20 years myself, it never ceases to make me smile that more often than not people who've never met before quickly find common bonds through music and the message in it, in this world wide community.  

“I feel like for so many years I’ve felt foreign in my own country”

letlive's latest, and fourth,  album If I'm The Devil...came out on Epitaph Records in June of 2016, and I have to say it's a refreshing listen. While keeping lots of the punk aggression letlive are known for, it takes elements of new wave, rock and even some hip hop production elements to create something sonically interesting and adventurous and I totally recommend it. 

 letlive are touring Australia, starting in Brisbane on January the 8th 2017, and hitting New Zealand for one show only at the Kings Arms on January 18th. You can buy tickets to the New Zealand show here.  Come through and dance to music you can think to. 

War Wounds: A Conversation With A Combat Veteran

Richie

So it's been a minute since Aroha or I have used the blog. Partly 'cause we're busy, partly  cause we're overloaded, partly 'cause we're scared of getting flamed on Twitter for saying something wrong. Anyways, I've swallowed my fear of public shaming and decided I actually really enjoy the conversation that can come from sharing, thoughts, experiences and ideas, so I'm anteing up and looking to start putting things out there again. 

For the last couple of months I've been travelling, meeting new people, getting lost, finding things out about myself, it's been an amazing time. Most recently, I was hanging out in Orange County, California, at my dear friend Dan Smith's Captured Tattoo.  I've been hanging around tattoo studios for nearly 20 years, and without a doubt, tattoo studios have always led to me having interesting conversations with the eclectic mix of folks you find in them.  As I offered around vegan ice-creams I got chatting to the dude who was taking getting tattooed   like a champ and so it came to pass I met George Ceja. George had a really cool energy about him, a ready smile, he laughed easily. We just met and we were already having some great lols.  He struck me as the sort of friend I'd hit the gym and hang out with in my normal life.  And yet, it turned out he'd taken part in a war I'd been deeply and vocally opposed to. I'd marched in my little city of Auckland against the U.S invasion of Afghanistan and Iraq. I'd regularly shared links through my social networks, about the civilian death toll. I'd cried for Bush and Rumsfield to be tried for illegal invasions. But here I was talking shit and making jokes and enjoying hanging out with a guy who had taken part in that war.

"Is that a purple heart?", I asked,  pointing to a piece he already had.  
"Yeah dude" he replied.
"Oh man, what happened?"
"I got blown up, in Afghanistan, my back got broken."
" Woah, that's wild can I record a conversation with you about that for my shitty little blog"  I asked.  
He was totally into it. New tattoo still bleeding and wrapped in cling wrap, he sat down on the couch as the shop shut down for the day and we got to talking.   The lighting wasn't great, the sound was recorded just on the little Sony action cam I'd been travelling with and I didn't have a point to make with the interview, but I think George ended up sharing some interesting insights into something that had dominated headlines for years that we don't often get to hear. Take a look, despite it's poorly edited glory, I think it was a cool conversation.  


 

Music, Drugs, Talking, Dancing.

RICHIE

Ok, so  you're probably paralysed by indecision because there's a buttload of dope shit happening this weekend, but let me try and snap you out of that and encourage you to attend my picks for fun things to do;  Splore, kicking off on Friday the 19th and finishing Sunday the 21st, and then late Sunday afternoon there's a great talk back in Auckland, Control: Fighting It, Losing It, Finding It. 

 


I attended my first Splore last year, with my partner in blog crime Aroha, and we had a silly amount of fun.  Located at the beautiful Tapapakanga Regional Park an hour out of Auckland,  it was a legit good time. What can go wrong on a beach with amazing musicians and artists, so many great friends,  fruity costumes to marvel at, great healthy food and even a huge out door yoga class.

This year promises to be no different, with a plethora of musical acts from at home and around the globe, artists and intellectually engaging activities. On the music front,  there's three days stacked with DJs and musicians across four stages (if I'm counting them right). I'm especially looking forwards to  Little Simz, and  like last year I'm sure I'll discover a bunch of artists I'd not seen  or heard before.  I'm looking forwards to having my heart and ears filled up with the musical offerings I'm going to be introduced to. 

Little Simz, this hook takes me places! 

As well as music, there's actually a host of other interesting stuff to take part in or attend at Splore. For example, the esteemed  Russell Brown, you may know his excellent work at Public Address, is hosting a very interesting series of panels on Saturday at The Listening Lounge. I'm humbled to be partaking in a discussion about somethings you might not know about drugs, alongside some New Zealand notables on the subject, before leading drug policy expert Dr Sanho Tree,  delivers the key note speech "about the foundations of the global drug war in US foreign policy imperatives, the reasons it has failed and the prospects and means for reform." At 12, the theme and cast of the panel changes to the state of Dance music. Including Aroha, Eddie Johnston, and Lady Flic, it all  promises to be very illuminating and thought provoking. 

If sitting down listening isn't your thing, there's heaps of physical fun to be done. Mind out of the gutter children, There's also handstand and dance workshops, workshops on hula hoops and acrobatics, you can up skill yourself and your dreams of joining the circus and eloping can start to take shape!  

The whole event is super family friendly, kids under 12 get in free and there are three and two day tickets which are still  available.  Go on, get out of town and broaden your horizons, it'll be a nice time, promise! 



After Splore, I'm heading back to the village I fluctuate between loving and hating to listen to some kind smart people talk about things I find fascinating;  addiction and anxiety. My dear friends Damaris Coulter (Coco's Cantina) and Dominic Hoey (Tourettes) join brainiac and all round cool person Sara Illingworth (Impolitikal) to chat about these topics that touch a lot of our lives. Sonia Grey is hosting the night, and I'm really looking forwards to sitting back, listening, learning and probably laughing. Entry is by donation, $5 should do it I reckon. The more we talk about anxiety and addiction, the better we can help those in need I think, so if you're looking for something smart to do, this is for you. 

As always, whatever you do this weekend,  please drive, drink and drug safely (or hey, don't drink or drug at all,  sobriety is fun, honest!), don't touch people's bodies without them wanting you to and saying you can, be nice to strangers and animals, and just generally be a good person. Have fun out there! 



 

Goldie - Drum and Bass MBE

in ,

AROHA

This one's for lovers of drum & bass. Today I was pleasantly surprised to be paid a visit by Metalheadz label head Goldie on my George FM Grind show before his 3 date tour of NZ with Artificial Intelligence, Ant TC1 and Scar.

In the below interview he talks about being awarded an MBE from the Queen, his new album 'The Journeyman', his ARTA graffiti art app and giving out free hugs to Kiwis!


John Key's son's a DJ

AROHA

Before I get into this, I'd like to say that this blog post is 100% my opinion and nobody at George FM/Mediaworks has suggested that I lend my voice to this conversation. My blog partner Richie may not share my opinion on what I'm about to say either also. However, after seeing my Facebook feed catch fire yesterday with the news that John Key's son, Max has been given a show on George FM, I couldn't bite my tongue.

Trawl through any of my personal social media and it's fairly obvious that I am left wing to the core. I always have been. I party voted Green in the last election and lent my face and voice to their campaign, I'm friends with Jacinda Ardern, I was at the first anti-TPPA march, I've posted a photo of John Key eating/deep throating a hotdog and have made several disparaging remarks about our current Prime Minister. I really don't like John Key.

However, do I think that my dislike of this man who pulls all the strings should then extend to his children? No, I don't. I scoffed when I first heard that John Key's son was forming a DJ/Production duo called Troskey, because I doubted that they would be any good. I was being a bit of an arsehole to be honest.

Tourettes wrote an excellent piece of poetry entitled "John Key's Son's a DJ" which I think is one of the most important pieces of social commentary to be created in recent years. The main hook revolves around the title, but there's a lot more to it, check it out below.

Me and Abraham Kunin made a song. Art work by Erin Forsyth. Mastering by Tom Anderson

So roll around yesterday to when the news broke of Max Key's appointment on George FM, (the station I work for) and the subsequent barrage of commentary on Facebook from my friends. Most of it became an attack on Max, George FM and Mediaworks, and I sat there reading some of it, thinking that I anticipated that this would happen, but then putting myself in Max's shoes and thinking, "Jesus, this poor guy, he will always be hated, ridiculed and penalised for being John Key's son". 

There are those who will say, "yes but he was raised in luxury, he'll always have doors opened to him" etc etc, however he and his sister Stephie Key will also be bullied and attacked (online and in person) for at least as long as their father remains Prime Minister. I don't agree with this at all. Max posts a video of his trip to Hawaii with his girlfriend and family online and people lose their minds, "how dare he enjoy his white privileged lifestyle and flaunt it on Instagram?!". You know what? He's just doing what so many people his age with money and Go-Pros are doing online, yet they don't get the same amount of scrutiny and hate thrown at them as he does. I'll admit, I watched the video, I thought it was corny, but was he hurting anyone by posting it?

There seems to be plenty of conspiracy theories floating around concerning Max's appointment on George FM; examples I have seen include "George FM is a National supporting station", "it's because Mark Weldon (Mediaworks CEO) is friends with John Key", and "George FM must be getting paid for this". I'll tell you what I do know; the people who suggested that Max should be given a show on George FM are good friends of mine, are all as left-wing as I am and all were impressed by Max's DJing ability. After the Springbreak Fiji event (week two, which I wasn't at), I heard so many comments about how pleasantly surprised they were by the guy and what a nice young man he was.

I haven't met Max Key yet myself, I've never seen him DJ, but I heard him on George FM last night and I thought he played a pretty sweet set. I value my friends' opinions and I'll give the guy a chance. I think you should too. Of course, if dance music on a commercial music station isn't your thing, then this will have no impact on your life. I'm fairly sure Max won't be spouting political broadcasts in support of his Dad, but no doubt he loves and supports his father. Although, if I suddenly start to tell people to "vote National" after listening to his original tunes, then you'll know that something more sinister is up and he's weaved some subliminal mojo into his music.

If I was judged on the actions of my own (biological) father, I would not be where I am today. Also, has anyone noticed that my surname is Harawira? If George FM is as right-wing as many are suggesting, surely I wouldn't be holding down the weekday slot for 24 hours a week. If I lose my job over writing this blog post, then perhaps those of you making these types of claims can reward yourselves for being justified and right in your conspiracy theories.

I'm not going to make any more comments about this on the blog or social media, so don't expect me to answer any questions or engage in online arguments. I just felt like I had to say something. Say what you want about John Key, but leave his kids out of it.

"I was told I was going to be raped cause I didn't smile at someone...I was 16."

RICHIE

*Trigger Warning*

Last night, my girlfriend was accosted, live on national television, by two boys who thought it would be cool to touch her inappropriately, get in her space and yell the sexually aggressive phrase "fuck her right in the pussy." Apparently it's a popular viral internet thing to do if you're a rapey pissed up fuck boi. It's funny some say. Despite having boys she didn't know touch her without permission and embarrass her on TV, I thought she played it pretty cool live on air, laughing it off as girls the world over seem to learn to do in our culture. The thing is, they shouldn't have to. 

Just as upsetting as what transpired, was reading many of the comments, from both men and women in support of the two guys who did this. "Legends" was a term I saw used on social media to describe the two guys who think women shouldn't report from music festivals .  Harden up, you're being unprofessional, just laugh it off type  comments abounded. Why should women and girls learn to laugh it off? Why is that an even a thing, that it's ok to make someone feel shitty and females should just deal with it? Why aren't boys and men learning not to sexually harass and intimidate women and girls?  

While on one admittedly stupid, alpha male level, the whole thing angers me (love those boys to come do some sparring with me at the gym - you're always welcome Sean Phillips and Terry Insull, I'll go a round with you each one after the other), it also got me thinking about sexual harassment, street harassment  and about what women and girls put up with in our society.  I wanted to  know how commonly  females  are made to feel uncomfortable, solicited, touched without consent, and generally treated badly.  So tonight, when I was teaching my women's Muay Thai class, I got chatting to some of the students who turned up and came up with an impromptu interview. Shout out iPhones!  I'm not claiming by any means an exhaustive body of  journalistic work, it's just a random group of women from a  range of backgrounds, just recounting their experiences authentically. 
 

"I feel scared because I've had men chase me."

"I feel worthless. I hate when guys just look at you for your body." 

Now I don't know any of these interviewees especially well, we  didn't have a script and all the interview subjects did it on literally 5 minutes notice with little time to prepare their thoughts  after a training session, but I think these short stories speak really powerfully about just how common and severe a problem harassment is.  16 year old girls should be able to go for a walk or a run without having grown men yell at them out of their cars. 37 year old mothers should be able to take their infants for a walk in a pram without getting hassled. Your work place should be a safe place where you feel comfortable.  Snapchat shouldn't be a place females are receiving unsolicited sexually explicit videos.

"If you're one of those people who tell women to laugh it or ignore it, you should stop because really we can't be so blasè."  

May I just pause to publicly say thank you all so much for sharing with me, and allowing me to put it online. The internet can be mean and people are thoughtless  bullies online, so I think you're all really brave and cool AF to open up like this. 

Now you might think I'm just upset because something happened to my girlfriend, but the fact is, this isn't the first story I've heard about harassment, sexual or otherwise.  This sort of shit is, as you can see in the video above, routine, and this is simply the most recent  example of it that's close to home. It makes me think of the girlfriend who told me she lost her virginity, by being raped when passed out drunk. Or one of my best friends who woke up naked at age 15, not sure where she was and what the boy who she'd been with had done to her, but she was dressed when she went to bed. How's that related, you might scoff and ask, and to that I say google rape culture. Nothing happens in a vacuum. We continue to live in and create a culture which, basically treats women like shit. Women get paid less, suffer dramatically higher levels of domestic violence and sexual assault than men. It's the daily sexual innuendo, jokes, harassment and verbal abuse and intimidating behaviour that is a backdrop which helps create the environment for all of this to happen in.

Men, bros, bruhs, dudes, we need to look at our behaviour. We need to stop laughing at and humiliating women. Treating their bodies like public property that you can grab when you feel like it. We need to call other guys out, challenge them on the language they use, the porno they watch and what it's teaching them, the jokes they laugh at. It's up to us to question others, because next time it might not be 'just a joke' and it might not be my girlfriend, it might be yours. Or your daughter. Your sister. Your friend. Will it be so funny then?