We can't leave it to porn and pop culture to educate our kids about sex and relationships.
I have worked in sexual violence education and prevention for over a decade now, and have talked to thousands and thousands of students, parents and communities, so I feel confident saying that the impact of pornography on culture cannot be underplayed. And while Australia has made consent education compulsory, to try and address this, New Zealand is removing our existing sex and education guidelines, with nothing concrete in place about what will replace them.
In 2024, we can’t meaningfully discuss consent and ending sexual violence and violence against women if we don’t critically discuss and analyse pornography to provide meaningful education about its impact on culture and societal attitudes. We need good education, and objective discussions about the interconnection of porn and popular culture if we want to truly make a change. And yet it seems few want to address this elephant in the room.
In a post #MeToo world, it continues to baffle me that there are progressive arguments against restricting access to pornography. Perhaps it is because historically it’s only been conservative or religious morality arguments that have criticized porn, but there is a knee-jerk response against critiques of the porn industry from many people in progressive spaces. For many it’s not considered cool or progressive to criticize a multibillion-dollar industry that routinely degrades women, profits from sexual trafficking, and hosts videos of actual rapes.
Some who believe they are advocates for social justice, defend and promote porn and brush over the real evidence base and countless anecdotes from those in the sector that show it is a contributing factor to real violence.
On the other side of this, we have socially conservative arguments that wish to get rid of or avoid comprehensive sex and sexuality education. The idea seems to be that discussions about sex and culture are best left to parents, or ignored altogether. This misses the point that many parents simply don’t know how to talk about these issues. So, in the absence of well-delivered education about sex and relationships, popular culture and porn fill the void. Both of these sources of information subsequently contribute to a mountain of problems.
Research has just been released in the United Kingdom that shows that “Boys are watching violent porn on their smartphones then going on to attack girls, as new data showed children are now the biggest perpetrators of sexual abuse against other children”. In Australia, the situation is similar with research now showing that teenagers are the most likely to sexually offend underage victims. Anecdotally, I have heard of countless similar stories in Aotearoa New Zealand.
It is within this landscape that the Government in New Zealand has pledged to remove the existing Relationship and Sexuality Education (RSE) Guidelines, the guiding document schools use for sexuality education. We are yet to see what may replace them. Whatever one’s politics, I hope that we can agree that whatever replaces them must include age-appropriate education about the messages and role modelling culture is bombarding us all with.
The cultural normalisation of violence that starts in porn has, of course, made its way into pop culture. You don’t have to be looking at porn, to be exposed to the messages it conveys.
A great example of this was the number one song on New Zealand’s charts for a long time this summer, American Rapper Jack Harlow’s Lovin on Me. In the catchy song, Jack sings, “I'm vanilla, baby, I'll choke you, but I ain't no killer, baby (I don't like no whips and chains)”. Of course, Harlow is entitled to express his sexual preferences, and consenting adults should be able to explore whatever their desire is in their own consensual sexual experiences. I’d never argue otherwise. However, with the mainstreaming of physical aggression during sex embedded in pop culture we need to talk about its impact on society.
Choking, spanking, hair pulling and spitting, alongside name calling and verbal put-downs, acts that were once confined to porn are now often mentioned in mainstream music. We now have tweens and teens dance on YouTube and TikTok to songs with overtly sexual lyrics and themes that come straight from porn. This cultural normalisation is not being addressed or mitigated by any sort of uniform consent education, or discussions about how these things can cause both emotional and physical harm. . It seems wildly counter-intuitive to me that what is the soundtrack on the way home from school is off-limits for discussion with our kids.
In both music and porn, many viewers and listeners don’t make distinctions between fantasy and reality. As a result, values that are portrayed in the entertainment media risk being internalized by those who consume them. We have seen a sharp increase in acts such as choking performed on, not with, partners who don’t enjoy it and haven’t consented to it.
Our rates of sexual harassment and sexual assault remain shockingly high, despite the public campaigns and broader awareness that have emerged post #MeToo. We have a problem, so if we really give a shit, we must agree on developing apolitical solutions. So much porn, and pop culture, normalizes coercive themes, and role models non-consensual sexual behaviour. People need to be able to have honest discussions about how this is dangerous, and what consent actually is, and isn’t.
Any curriculum must help teachers and external providers that run programs in schools deliver critical discussions that give students tools to better understand what they are listening to and watching. Teaching media literacy skills can help people understand the power dynamics, and themes in media that contribute to sexual violence and family harm, and reject them in their own lives. These conversations need to be regular and ongoing.
Porn and a pornified culture are more than likely here to stay, so it's essential that there is support and guidance for schools and parents on how to navigate these conversations. Of course, we don’t need to leave the responsibility just to teachers and educators. Parents and caregivers can have age-appropriate conversations with the kids in their own life.
I’m not saying don’t listen to Jack Harlow. I’m saying we can minimize the harm of these contributing factors to sexual and family violence if we equip everyone with a more critical lens of what ideas and values are sold to them every day. To do this, we need our policymakers to come together and develop and deliver evidence-based solutions and provide the right educational tools. If we want to reduce the very real violence in our culture, we must give our young people the critical thinking skills to do it.
