Help For All The Brothers
Recently I shared a post on Facebook, from Sherele Moody, who runs the Red Heart Campaign in Australia. I discovered her work when I was doing a tour of speaking in Australia and it has really stuck with me. The campaign runs a devastating tally of all the homicides and manslaughter cases in Australia and primarily they are family violence-related.
In the comments section, a man on my Facebook page, who has experienced violence first hand over the course of his life, with step father’s and his mother’s partners who used violence, and asked me for some suggestions on where men can go to get help. He acknowledged many men who use violence have been victims themselves and need help breaking the cycles they were born into.
I was touched by his compassion, given what he had experienced. I’ve worked in family violence prevention and education around manhood and masculinity for many years now, so I’ve thrown together a short list of services that can help men deal with emotions, get help to be non-violent in relationships, heal and break cycles they might be caught in.
If you or someone you know might need some help, it is out there. If you’re worried about a brothers behaviour, don’t be shy to talk with them about it, and help them make positive changes. You can use some of the services listed here to do that.
This is a non-exhaustive list of services in New Zealand and a few in Australia doing the mahi (work) to help men change. Click the links or give them a call.
0800 Hey Bro or 0800 439 276 is a line set up for men who think they might or have hurt a loved one or whanau member.
Shine offer courses for men on dealing with their emotions and learning how to solve relationship issues non-violently. 0508 744 633
The Family Violence Information is contactable on 0800 456 450 9am-11pm 7 days a week.
White Ribbon NZ are not a counselling provider, but they have excellent information on their website to help men. They also can come to business and workplaces to help run education and awareness presentations. If we shift the culture violence comes from, we are preventing it before it starts.
Safe Man Safe Family live the kaupapa of ending family violence. They run under the motto ‘uncover, discover, recover.’ Helping men deal with their trauma, explore their wounds and healing from them is essential to help them move to non-violence. SMSF is a network around the country, bringing men together to connect share and learn new ways of existing in relationships.
Hamilton Abuse Intervention Project offers a 25 session program for those wanting to make positive changes regarding domestic violence (07) 834 3148 or email admin@haip.org.nz
Family Safety Services offer help in Thames/Coromandel and Hauraki Plains. 07 868 8320
Tauwhai Men’s Centre offers counselling, parenting help, programmes and group work.
Male Survivors is a peer support network in New Zealand for male survivors of sexual abuse.
Better Blokes Helps Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse with peer support.
Porirua Living Without Violence are based in Wellington and offer services for men and women. There men’s course is here. 04 237 6009
Ghandi Nivas help to address family harm in the community. They originally focused on men from the Indian community, now they work with people from all ethnicities.
Two great instagram accounts I want to mention @forallthebrothers and @sheisnotyourrehab also offer community meet ups and constant motivation to learn and unlearn.
AUSTRALIA
DV Connect Mens Line 18011 811
Victoria
Domestic Violence Resource Centre have a range of information for men and can be called on
1300 766 491, Mon-Fri 9am-9pm (Victoria)
Queensland
This is a list of resources available from the Queensland Government
New South Wales.
No To Violence helps men who use violence shift their beliefs and behaviours. Men’s Referal Service 1 300 766 491
Western Australia.
Men's Helpline - 1800 000 599 / 9223 1199
Centre Care help men with a range of behaviours and have healthier relationships.
Tasmania
Relationships Australia has a men’s program called Men Engaging in New Strategies (MENS)
Further Reading; Some Figures on Family Violence
The Red Heart Campaign documents all people murdered in Australia, and within that conversation is a strong emphasis on highlighting intimate partner and family violence. To date in Australia in 2020, 157 people have been murdered or been killed that’s led to a conviction of manslaughter. At the time of writing 43 Women, 9 children and 95 men have died violently at the hands of another.
In New Zealand, while I don’t have figures for this year, the New Zealand Police’s Homicide Report informs us makes for grizzly reading.
Between 2007 – 2017 there were 737 people killed by homicide (ie murder and manslaughter offences).
Māori account for approximately a third of homicide victims.
Males represented 62 per cent of all victims.
The lowest annual homicide figure of 50 was in 2017.
Around 7 out of 10 homicides were murders.
Of all family-linked homicide victims, 43% were male and 57% were female.
Around 1 in 5 homicides were committed by a current or ex-partner – 75% of victims were female.
Children under the age of five made up 12 per cent of homicide victims.
As the data show’s us men are both the biggest victims and perpetrators of violence. In domestic or romantic relationships while women can use violence, it’s overwhelmingly men who resort to causing physical harm. Men too are killed by other men in a whole host of other circumstances.
So clearly, men need some help. As the brother, Vic Tamati MNZM once said: “if there were no perpetrators, there would be no victims.” Many boys grow up with fathers who are physically and emotionally abusive to their mothers and themselves. Our broader culture continues to shape boys into a limited box of what’s expected of men. Traits such as aggression, demonstrating power, working hard at the expense of our relationships, not showing emotions are still stereotypical expectations of masculinity that we teach and reenforce through a range of ways over the course of growing up. By doing so, we aren’t giving boys and men a wide range of tools to choose from. That can leave many men feeling trapped and when they are confronted with hard times or feel hurt or threatened, violence can be the result.
All of that said though, help is out there. If you or someone you know are in a relationship or someone you know uses violence or control through ongoing emotional abuse and intimidation, change is possible. There are lots of organisations that can help men break the cycles you or someone you know might have grown up with. If you have sons, they are learning from what they see, not what their parents say. If they are seeing a dad calling their partner names, or hitting her, or see parents bottling all their feelings up and pouring liquor and pills on top of them, they are more likely to recreate this behaviour and experience mental health problems in their adult life.
It doesn’t have to be this way, so please, be brave, pick up the phone and get in touch with an organisation or helpline. They are out there specifically to help, without judgement and with expert knowledge. We all don’t know what we don’t know, we all have done things wrong, but redemption and change are always possible.